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Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

How has it been 9 years? How has the time actually moved when it often feels like standing still? So much has changed, yet so much remains the same. I think of you every hour of every day. It kills me that I will never see you hold my kids. It hurts so bad that my kids will never get to play with you, learn stuff from you…and you had so much you could have taught them. So badly I wanted you to hold them. I was so thrilled when I had Phoenix, you finally had the boy you always wanted. And you weren’t there. Wait, I know your spirit was there…is always here. But I really really wanted to see the look on your face when you held him for the first time. When you held Rhiannon and thought back to when I was a baby…

It hurts so bad to not know what they would call you. Grampa-pa (as a male counterpart to Mom?)? Pop? Mr. Bowman? haha! God, I just wanna know what you would have been called… I wish I could talk to them about you without crying. It’s till too much for me. Even after 9 years.

I still think about my wedding. Wonder what you would have worn. Probably a big crown on top of your head ‘cause you’re the King right? I know you were there. We all felt you. But again, I just wanted to see the look on your face. In your eyes. It probably would have been even more amazing then when I graduated from college right? That sparkle? Would have been all over you. I wish I could have seen it…

My heart is pounding. My eyes are watering. This is so hard. Why is it still so hard? For all of us. Because you are just that amazing. Still. To this day, and forever. Anytime grown men talk about you, they cry. You were the world to so many people. Not just Mom and us. So many others. Did you even know? Do you know it now?

It’s officially Spring again. NHRA is starting up. My car is dirty. Can’t we work on it together? Can’t you show me how to clean it “your” way? I want to go to some nurseries with you. Get some pretty new flowers. Watch you plant them, ‘cause you won’t let me help (I do have a green thumb ya know!) But, I guess it will be me doing the planting now. Nix is really excited to garden. You 2 would be best buds. I just know it.

So, it’s another year gone. And it hasn’t gotten any easier. But, I talk about you all the time. Think about you all the time. You know that right? There are never enough words for you. Never enough words to describe how I feel, or how amazing you are. Are. Not were. You don’t lose amazement just because you aren’t in this realm of existence anymore.

I love you. You know it. I told you all the time. Right to your face. I have no regrets with you. I did everything I could to show you I loved you. To make you look at me. To be a part of you, and have things in common with you. I love you always.

With Eternal Love,

Firstborn

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Comments

Laura B said…
No words.

Hugs and Tears,

Laura
Tonya Klar said…
I'm with Laura. So I'm just sending my love and hugs.
Beautiful... many hugs to you and your family...
Erica said…
lots of love for you and your family! Very poeticly put!
Gene said…
Nine years and it still seems like yesterday.... Sometimes when Nix is alone in his room and talking away ..... I wonder who's with him....
Anonymous said…
I love you, my sister-cousin. Your dad was the best. A wonderful, charming, handsome and remarkable man. George Bowman brings the Spring, Alison. Every year for the rest of our lives and on just remember that George Bowman brings the Spring. He brings the seeds and the rains and the flowers and the beauty and the windchimes and the rainbows and the love....

kat
Anonymous said…
That brought more tears to my eyes today. I miss him being with my kids, too. He loved Kathryn so much, I know he would have been so excited to be a Great Godfather to twin boys. I'm sure that when Nix is alone in his room he's talking about cars, and bikes, and building, and planting with your Dad. Love you cuz.

Linda
~Jeri~ said…
Fighting through the tears to see the screen. I know your dad knew you loved him Alison, everyone who reads this post can feel the love you had for your dad and how much it's hurting you to be without him. I wish I could give you a big hug but know you and your family are in my thoughts as you go through this anniversary, celebrating his life!! Many hugs and prayers!
Alyssa S said…
Whew...talk about a tear jerker. Such a sweet post - you put exactly into words how I feel about my daddy. I hope he knows it...then again, maybe I just need to use your post as a kick in the pants to make sure he does.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself on here. Many hugs!!
Beth said…
Beautiful. Giant hugs, Love. xxx
Jen Shults said…
So I have to truthfully say that I didn't make it anywhere near all the way through this for fear of having a complete and total meltdown at my desk but I wanted to say that your love for your dad is such a blessing and shines through in so much more than just your beautiful posts to him and about him. And I'm not sure that it will ever get any easier but I'm also not sure it should, I hope that makes sense. Thank you for all that you share with such intense honesty... it's very inspirational and a true source of comfort. Hugs!!
ellepaulette said…
Oh Sweet Girl! I am sitting here with tears running down my face.

Hugs and love to you!!!
Julie said…
Love you, Alison. Your honesty, your spirit, your beautiful heart - LOVE. YOU.
Oh Sweetie- I feel you. I am so, so, sorry, but know that your Dad is proud of you and loves those kiddos too!!

Big, big HUGS!
Leigh Ann Baird said…
I read this but couldn't comment right away. I didn't grow up with my father, he was an alcoholic and wasn't around much. As an adult, I almost always avoided his calls because he was typically drunk and would either be an ass or so lovey dovey that it made me sick to hear it. Near the end of his life, he was turning things around. He married a wonderful woman who helped him have the life he wanted. He died on Dec. 13th, 2001 after suffering a heart attack that left him brain dead. We had to make the difficult decision of taking him off life support after several days of him being on it.
I didn't really know my father at all. But now I have no chance and that's what haunts me the most. It is important to let those you love know you care and make an effort to be part of their lives.

I'm sorry your father is gone, but I'm happy that you had some good times with him.

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