How has it been 9 years? How has the time actually moved when it often feels like standing still? So much has changed, yet so much remains the same. I think of you every hour of every day. It kills me that I will never see you hold my kids. It hurts so bad that my kids will never get to play with you, learn stuff from you…and you had so much you could have taught them. So badly I wanted you to hold them. I was so thrilled when I had Phoenix, you finally had the boy you always wanted. And you weren’t there. Wait, I know your spirit was there…is always here. But I really really wanted to see the look on your face when you held him for the first time. When you held Rhiannon and thought back to when I was a baby…
It hurts so bad to not know what they would call you. Grampa-pa (as a male counterpart to Mom?)? Pop? Mr. Bowman? haha! God, I just wanna know what you would have been called… I wish I could talk to them about you without crying. It’s till too much for me. Even after 9 years.
I still think about my wedding. Wonder what you would have worn. Probably a big crown on top of your head ‘cause you’re the King right? I know you were there. We all felt you. But again, I just wanted to see the look on your face. In your eyes. It probably would have been even more amazing then when I graduated from college right? That sparkle? Would have been all over you. I wish I could have seen it…
My heart is pounding. My eyes are watering. This is so hard. Why is it still so hard? For all of us. Because you are just that amazing. Still. To this day, and forever. Anytime grown men talk about you, they cry. You were the world to so many people. Not just Mom and us. So many others. Did you even know? Do you know it now?
It’s officially Spring again. NHRA is starting up. My car is dirty. Can’t we work on it together? Can’t you show me how to clean it “your” way? I want to go to some nurseries with you. Get some pretty new flowers. Watch you plant them, ‘cause you won’t let me help (I do have a green thumb ya know!) But, I guess it will be me doing the planting now. Nix is really excited to garden. You 2 would be best buds. I just know it.
So, it’s another year gone. And it hasn’t gotten any easier. But, I talk about you all the time. Think about you all the time. You know that right? There are never enough words for you. Never enough words to describe how I feel, or how amazing you are. Are. Not were. You don’t lose amazement just because you aren’t in this realm of existence anymore.
I love you. You know it. I told you all the time. Right to your face. I have no regrets with you. I did everything I could to show you I loved you. To make you look at me. To be a part of you, and have things in common with you. I love you always.
With Eternal Love,